Setting Limits With Teens

As children move into the teen years they start to think more like adults. This is both good news and bad.
In the teen years a person can start to think about thinking. Teens consider possibilities as well as realities. This provides them the ability to analyze their own thinking and refine it. It also leads them to question other people and institutions. For many adults it is insufferable to watch a teen start questioning wise adults and time-honored traditions.
Yet it is an important development. As teens move into adulthood, they should have thought about what they believe. If they test, challenge, and explore before they make commitments, they are more likely to hold enduring and sensible ideas. As teens move into adulthood they are likely to hold values much like those of their parents; they will hold them as their own if they have had opportunities to test and think through the values. As Ginott says, "No one can mature by blindly obeying his parents" (1969, p.150).

A Challenge

Parents of teens have the challenge of encouraging such questioning, and independence in our teens while helping them honor sensible principles of respect and safety.
Parents of teens should listen respectfully to their teens‘ ideas. We can ask questions and offer our view but it is not helpful to criticize or belittle them.
Teens turn out best when their parents monitor their activities. Wise parents keep track of their teens, their friends, their hobbies, and their activities. When teens announce that they are going out, involved parents invite them to talk about where they are going and what they will be doing.

Set Limits

There are times to set firm limits. There will be times when we need to say, "I don‘t feel good about you going to that party." Teens are likely to resist. We can stay calm. "What else could you do?" When they still object we can reply, "I can see that you would really like to go to that party. Since you are not able to go, what else could you do?"
When teens make rude comments or act insensitively, we can help them discover better ways of acting. Teaching is better than attacking. For example, we might say, "I can see that you don‘t like some of your classmates. When you say unkind things to them, they probably feel very bad." Teens may play as if they do not care. But gentle messages of compassion have an impact. "We do not belittle their dreams and desires, but we reserve the right to stop and redirect some of their acts" (Ginott, 1969, p.150).
Be involved in positive ways with your teens. Maintain traditions of togetherness. Go to games together. Hike. Shop. Cook. Sing. Play tennis together. Doing things together can strengthen our relationships with our teens.

Applications

What are some of the things your teen is excited about? How can you support those healthy explorations?
What are some evidences you see that your teen is making good decisions? In what areas could you commend him or her: "I‘m impressed with the way you decide what movies are worth watching."
Do you have a policy about unacceptable activities? An example is: "We do not do anything that harms others or endangers our future." Talk with your teen about the policy that he or she thinks should be enforced. Encourage teens to work with you in forming family rules and policies.
For more information on helping your adolescent, you might enjoy reading "Between Parent and Teenager" by Haim Ginott.

Visit http://www.enjoy.myfamilyiq.com/  and see courses in the Parenting category, especially, ‘Parental Teamwork,' 'Being a Parent Vs. Being A Friend,‘ and  'Setting Effective Limits' to learn more.

"Dr. Wally" Goddard is an Extension Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas.  

This article is reprinted from the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, ‘Family Life.‘ (www.arfamilies.org)

Communication With Your Partner

We communicate any time we share meaning. While communication often involves words, they are not required. For example, when mom and dad tiptoe into their sleeping child‘s room, admire the sleeping one, and smile at each other, they have communicated even without saying a word. Or when one partner provides the other an admiring glance or gentle touch, there has been communication.
When people roll their eyes, hug, walk away, blow a kiss, huff, smile, clench their teeth, hold hands or shake their heads they communicate. Early in a romantic relationship we generally talk often and listen wholeheartedly. We also tend to hug, hold hands and show lots of affection. Later in that relationship we sometimes use communication only for business or disagreements. That is unfortunate.
One of the best uses of communication may be for people to share the simple events of the day. The topics of discussion should not be sources of disagreement. Each person can tell about joys and frustrations in the day. Each should listen to what the other has to say and try to appreciate what those events meant to their partner. A few minutes of mere chatting can strengthen a relationship almost as much as a trip to Hawaii.

Listen Carefully

We never fully get someone else‘s meaning. I surely don‘t understand how you feel about the flowers you planted. You probably don‘t understand how I feel about my boss. But it builds the relationship when we listen and try to understand what the other person is feeling. We can ask questions. We can listen carefully. We can describe what we think our partner is feeling.
Some things don‘t need to be said. It may be completely true that your partner has a funny nose or thinning hair. But talking about it may only hurt feelings. Wise communication requires that some things simply don‘t get said. Some things don‘t even need to be thought about.
Talks about difficult issues should be conducted when both parties are feeling good. When a couple tries to tackle their most difficult issues at a time when one or both are tired and angry, the result is almost certain to be destructive. A discussion can turn into a battle. Sharing a cheerful request is more likely to build the relationship - and get a positive response - than making an angry accusation.

Productive Problem Solving

We can find ways to make problem-solving more productive. John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage suggests that women find gentle ways to start a conversation. Rather than: "THERE ARE SOME THINGS WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT," she can say, "I am trying to find good ways to make our family run more smoothly. Can I share some ideas with you and get your thoughts?" Gottman also suggests that men learn how to stay involved and stay calm in conversations. Men‘s heart rates tend to skyrocket when they think they are being attacked by their partners. Knowing that, they can learn to stay calm and listen carefully to their partner‘s concerns and ideas. They can learn self-soothing techniques such as deep breathing and calming thoughts.
Communication can keep people in touch with each other and strengthen their relationships when used with wisdom and kindness.

Applications:

What can you do to make an end-of-the-day chat ritual? What is the best time - riding home from work, while cooking, after dinner, later in the evening? How can you make it comfortable for both people? A partner who loves to be busy may want to chop vegetables while talking. A partner who is physically exhausted my want to lie down while talking. Work together to build a talk-time ritual that strengthens your relationship.
Are there some things you say or do that regularly irritate your partner? Maybe you make jokes about her at parties. Maybe you tease him about his baldness. If you know that it makes your partner unhappy, decide not to do it any more.
For all couples there are some things that continue to irritate. Consider whether there are things that bother you that you can choose to ignore.
One of the most important parts of communication is the effort to understand the other‘s point of view. Whether the subject is happy or contentious, it can be very helpful to try to understand what the other person is feeling. Appropriately using the following phrases can help:
"It sounds like you feel lonely."
"You are very tired of the situation?"
"I guess you feel discouraged."
"Are you worn out?"
"Do you feel like you are doing it all alone?"
When we try to understand someone else‘s feelings, our listening helps that person make sense of his or her experience and helps that person find better answers even when we give no advice. It also can help us better understand the other person.
Sometimes when we are hurt, we express only anger. Are there disappointments or pains you want to express besides anger?
What is the effect of each of the following statements:
"You are so busy you never have time for anyone. I am sick of it!"
"When you get very involved in so many things, we have less time together. I miss having time with you. I guess I feel lonely."

Recommended reading.

John Gottman has written two excellent books on marriage: "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," and "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Both books provide keen insights into the challenges and blessings of marriage and couple relationships.

Visit http://www.enjoy.myfamilyiq.com/ for Tests: ‘Partner Communication: Can We Talk Test‘ and ‘Communication: It's More Than What You Say‘ to test your communication skills. Also see the following FamilyIQ courses to learn more: ‘Communicating with Your Partner‘ and ‘Improving Your Communication Skills‘.

"Dr. Wally" Goddard is an Extension Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas. This article is reprinted from the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, ‘Family Life.‘ (www.arfamilies.org)

This article is reprinted from the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, ‘Family Life.‘ (www.arfamilies.org)

Dealing with Tantrums

Learn simple tactics on how to deal with a child who exhibits temper tantrums.

Tantrums are a real problem, and they are common. When a child starts to yell and scream, what is a parent to do?
Children usually have tantrums because they are tired, frustrated, and don‘t know how to express their feelings. The good news is that tantrums peak at about two years of age and generally disappear by three years of age. As a child learns to talk and to regulate her own feelings, she is less likely to resort to tantrums.

Prevention

There is a lot that can be done to prevent tantrums. Don‘t take your daughter shopping when she missed her nap. Don‘t drag your son along on errands when he is hungry or bored. If we notice when our children are tired and frustrated, we can prevent many tantrums by not adding extra stress at a time of tiredness, hunger, or frustration. When you do take children along on errands, take things for her to do while she waits for you. If you see a tantrum looming, set aside what you are doing to calm your child. Talk gently. Hug or stroke him. Breathe deeply. Provide something for the child to do.
Respond calmly to tantrums. A berserk child does not need a berserk parent. Stay calm. Remove the child from any danger. Sometimes it soothes a child if you calmly stand nearby. When the child gets more settled, a parent might try to give words to the child‘s frustration: "You really wanted to go out and play, didn‘t you?" "You are feeling very tired." Recognize that tantrums are a normal way for children to express frustration.

Offer Choices

Give children control when possible. Children like to have some control in their own lives. Offer them choices. "Would you like milk or orange juice for breakfast?" "Would you like to play with cars or blocks?" "Would you like me to read you a story or sing you a song when I tuck you in?" Children whose preferences are regularly respected, are less likely to get frustrated.
Don‘t let tantrums set the rules. If a parent responds to tantrums by frantically working to appease the child, that child may become a terrorist. Some children, especially after three years of age, throw tantrums because they have learned over time that it is the best way (or the only way) to get their way. We can understand their desire for something without feeling that we must indulge their whim. We can hold to limits while acknowledging their desire: "You really wish we could buy that toy for you."
Make sure that you are involved in your child‘s life in many positive ways. Notice the good things she does. Plan activities with him. Have fun together. A child‘s frustration is often worsened when there is not a parent available to help the child work through the frustrations of growing up. After a tantrum, do not punish or lecture. Provide the safe and loving environment that helps children grow.
If tantrums continue after the third birthday or become frequent or damaging, talk to your pediatrician.

Applications

What are the signs you see that one of your children is about to have a tantrum? Are there certain situations or pressures that seem to make them more likely?
What have you found that helps your child calm down instead of escalating to a tantrum? What have you found that helps your child get involved in something else?
What have you done that helps you stay calm when your child has a tantrum? Have you found anything that helps your child settle down after she or he starts a tantrum?
When your child is calm (at least an hour after a tantrum) you may be able to teach a child how to let you know what she is feeling or what he needs. What would work to help your child express him or herself without a tantrum?

Visit http://www.enjoy.myfamilyiq.com/  and see courses in the Parenting category, ‘Conflict Resolution,‘ and ‘Anger Management‘ to learn more.

"Dr. Wally" Goddard is an Extension Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas.  

This article is reprinted from the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, ‘Family Life.‘ (www.arfamilies.org)

The Power of Optimism

It is common to believe that the people who are mentally healthy are those who are realistic, who judge accurately what they can do and what they can‘t do. We sometimes chide people who try to do too much: "Be realistic."

That might not be good advice. Research shows that people who are realistic are more likely to be depressed. People who think they can do more than they actually can, tend to be healthier mentally and physically; optimism is a healthy frame of mind. But there are several habits that can keep us from enjoying optimism.
Blame does not help. When we make mistakes it is easy to think: "I am so stupid! I keep making the same mistakes! When am I going to learn?" Such blame can keep us trapped in a negative pattern of thinking and acting. There is a better way.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

We can challenge our negative thoughts. For example, when we make a mistake, it is helpful to say: "I‘ve made a mistake similar to mistakes I‘ve made in the past. But I keep learning something new every time. I‘m glad I can keep learning and trying."
Do the things you can do. None of us can solve all our problems at once. But there are little things we can do that help. We can keep trying. We can try new ways. We can get ideas from books and other people.
Get outside yourself. Rather than dwell on feelings of failure, get busy helping or building or learning. Rather than trying to talk yourself into being happy, find a way you can be productive. Sometimes we think we have to start feeling better before we can move forward. The opposite is more often the case: We must start doing something in order to start feeling better.
Train yourself to notice when you are beating up on yourself. When you notice it, challenge the negative thoughts in the same way you would if a good friend were saying the same things about herself that you are saying about yourself. See yourself as a person who tries hard and does your best. Get busy. Be patient with yourself. Be hopeful about the future.

Things DO Go Wrong

Every day there are things that might go wrong. We have a choice; we can worry about them and dread what may happen or enjoy the present and look forward to the future. Whatever problems tomorrow brings, we can deal with them. Look forward to the good things you have planned. Enjoy your opportunities to work and be productive now. Seize the day and all its opportunities and tomorrow will take care of itself.

Applications

Try to recall a time when you were upset with yourself. Consider whether you used the following three unhelpful ways of thinking:
1. Personal: "It is my fault. I am to blame."
2. Permanent: "I have always done this. I never seem to learn."
3. Pervasive: "I seem to make the same mistakes in all areas. Nothing ever goes right for me."
Most of us have had thoughts like those at times. But the healthiest people are those who learn to challenge the thoughts and replace them with more helpful thoughts. See if you can apply the following more optimistic thoughts to a situation where you have felt like a failure.
1. Personal: "That was an especially hard job. But I learned things that will help me do better."
2. Permanent: "That is a mistake I have made before but each time I learn something new."
3. Pervasive: "I still have trouble in one area but overall I am doing much better."
Sometimes when we feel pessimistic or downhearted we can push ourselves to move on to something that needs to be done. Other times we find it almost impossible to get started. At such times it can be helpful to have a list of things you find satisfaction in doing. Maybe you like to listen to music, organize your desk, take a walk . . . What are some of the active things you can be prepared to do at times when you find it hard to get started?

"Dr. Wally" Goddard is an Extension Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas.

This article is reprinted from the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, ‘Family Life.‘ (www.arfamilies.org)

To learn more visit http://www.enjoy.myfamilyiq.com/  - Courses: ‘Dealing With Past Baggage,‘ and ‘Dealing With Shame, Guilt, and Failure