Dealing with Tantrums

Learn simple tactics on how to deal with a child who exhibits temper tantrums.

Tantrums are a real problem, and they are common. When a child starts to yell and scream, what is a parent to do?
Children usually have tantrums because they are tired, frustrated, and don‘t know how to express their feelings. The good news is that tantrums peak at about two years of age and generally disappear by three years of age. As a child learns to talk and to regulate her own feelings, she is less likely to resort to tantrums.

Prevention

There is a lot that can be done to prevent tantrums. Don‘t take your daughter shopping when she missed her nap. Don‘t drag your son along on errands when he is hungry or bored. If we notice when our children are tired and frustrated, we can prevent many tantrums by not adding extra stress at a time of tiredness, hunger, or frustration. When you do take children along on errands, take things for her to do while she waits for you. If you see a tantrum looming, set aside what you are doing to calm your child. Talk gently. Hug or stroke him. Breathe deeply. Provide something for the child to do.
Respond calmly to tantrums. A berserk child does not need a berserk parent. Stay calm. Remove the child from any danger. Sometimes it soothes a child if you calmly stand nearby. When the child gets more settled, a parent might try to give words to the child‘s frustration: "You really wanted to go out and play, didn‘t you?" "You are feeling very tired." Recognize that tantrums are a normal way for children to express frustration.

Offer Choices

Give children control when possible. Children like to have some control in their own lives. Offer them choices. "Would you like milk or orange juice for breakfast?" "Would you like to play with cars or blocks?" "Would you like me to read you a story or sing you a song when I tuck you in?" Children whose preferences are regularly respected, are less likely to get frustrated.
Don‘t let tantrums set the rules. If a parent responds to tantrums by frantically working to appease the child, that child may become a terrorist. Some children, especially after three years of age, throw tantrums because they have learned over time that it is the best way (or the only way) to get their way. We can understand their desire for something without feeling that we must indulge their whim. We can hold to limits while acknowledging their desire: "You really wish we could buy that toy for you."
Make sure that you are involved in your child‘s life in many positive ways. Notice the good things she does. Plan activities with him. Have fun together. A child‘s frustration is often worsened when there is not a parent available to help the child work through the frustrations of growing up. After a tantrum, do not punish or lecture. Provide the safe and loving environment that helps children grow.
If tantrums continue after the third birthday or become frequent or damaging, talk to your pediatrician.

Applications

What are the signs you see that one of your children is about to have a tantrum? Are there certain situations or pressures that seem to make them more likely?
What have you found that helps your child calm down instead of escalating to a tantrum? What have you found that helps your child get involved in something else?
What have you done that helps you stay calm when your child has a tantrum? Have you found anything that helps your child settle down after she or he starts a tantrum?
When your child is calm (at least an hour after a tantrum) you may be able to teach a child how to let you know what she is feeling or what he needs. What would work to help your child express him or herself without a tantrum?

Visit http://www.enjoy.myfamilyiq.com/  and see courses in the Parenting category, ‘Conflict Resolution,‘ and ‘Anger Management‘ to learn more.

"Dr. Wally" Goddard is an Extension Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas.  

This article is reprinted from the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, ‘Family Life.‘ (www.arfamilies.org)

The Power of Optimism

It is common to believe that the people who are mentally healthy are those who are realistic, who judge accurately what they can do and what they can‘t do. We sometimes chide people who try to do too much: "Be realistic."

That might not be good advice. Research shows that people who are realistic are more likely to be depressed. People who think they can do more than they actually can, tend to be healthier mentally and physically; optimism is a healthy frame of mind. But there are several habits that can keep us from enjoying optimism.
Blame does not help. When we make mistakes it is easy to think: "I am so stupid! I keep making the same mistakes! When am I going to learn?" Such blame can keep us trapped in a negative pattern of thinking and acting. There is a better way.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

We can challenge our negative thoughts. For example, when we make a mistake, it is helpful to say: "I‘ve made a mistake similar to mistakes I‘ve made in the past. But I keep learning something new every time. I‘m glad I can keep learning and trying."
Do the things you can do. None of us can solve all our problems at once. But there are little things we can do that help. We can keep trying. We can try new ways. We can get ideas from books and other people.
Get outside yourself. Rather than dwell on feelings of failure, get busy helping or building or learning. Rather than trying to talk yourself into being happy, find a way you can be productive. Sometimes we think we have to start feeling better before we can move forward. The opposite is more often the case: We must start doing something in order to start feeling better.
Train yourself to notice when you are beating up on yourself. When you notice it, challenge the negative thoughts in the same way you would if a good friend were saying the same things about herself that you are saying about yourself. See yourself as a person who tries hard and does your best. Get busy. Be patient with yourself. Be hopeful about the future.

Things DO Go Wrong

Every day there are things that might go wrong. We have a choice; we can worry about them and dread what may happen or enjoy the present and look forward to the future. Whatever problems tomorrow brings, we can deal with them. Look forward to the good things you have planned. Enjoy your opportunities to work and be productive now. Seize the day and all its opportunities and tomorrow will take care of itself.

Applications

Try to recall a time when you were upset with yourself. Consider whether you used the following three unhelpful ways of thinking:
1. Personal: "It is my fault. I am to blame."
2. Permanent: "I have always done this. I never seem to learn."
3. Pervasive: "I seem to make the same mistakes in all areas. Nothing ever goes right for me."
Most of us have had thoughts like those at times. But the healthiest people are those who learn to challenge the thoughts and replace them with more helpful thoughts. See if you can apply the following more optimistic thoughts to a situation where you have felt like a failure.
1. Personal: "That was an especially hard job. But I learned things that will help me do better."
2. Permanent: "That is a mistake I have made before but each time I learn something new."
3. Pervasive: "I still have trouble in one area but overall I am doing much better."
Sometimes when we feel pessimistic or downhearted we can push ourselves to move on to something that needs to be done. Other times we find it almost impossible to get started. At such times it can be helpful to have a list of things you find satisfaction in doing. Maybe you like to listen to music, organize your desk, take a walk . . . What are some of the active things you can be prepared to do at times when you find it hard to get started?

"Dr. Wally" Goddard is an Extension Family Life Specialist at the University of Arkansas.

This article is reprinted from the University of Arkansas Cooperative Extension Service, ‘Family Life.‘ (www.arfamilies.org)

To learn more visit http://www.enjoy.myfamilyiq.com/  - Courses: ‘Dealing With Past Baggage,‘ and ‘Dealing With Shame, Guilt, and Failure